One thing I’ve learned about adultery. The innocent spouse seems to be partly blamed for the philandering spouse’s ‘need’ to do such a thing. No one ever says this…but, if a horse is being fed–why would he run away?

And you lose your friends. Maybe you lose those acquaintances you only thought were friends. I’d not heard from Jane in six months. Passing at church, she’d smile if our paths crossed but it was a mega church one could easily get lost in. And in her defense, I’d taken advantage of that.

Jane, “Hi, Samantha. I’ve just had you on my mind, been praying for you and wondered how you guys were doing?”

“Hello, Jane. We’re doing fine. How are you?” Fine is my no comment answer. If I don’t want to go down that road, then everything’s just fine. Fine!

“Oh, we’re ok–but fine doesn’t sound all that ok.”

“Well, nothing is changed, if anything Harvey is harsher than ever.”

“I’m so sorry. I had hoped things were improved.”

“No, they’re not. As a matter of fact, I’ve now gone to see a lawyer & needed to seek financial protection legally.” I paused, “Why did you call?”

“When?”

“No, why? We’ve not talked in six months.”

There were several seconds of silence. I was probably being rude and unfair…but I was tired of being punished and shunned for Harvey’s decisions.

“Well, I…I wanted to just…give you guys some time. How are the kids doing?”

So I gave her a quick rundown on all four of us using my ice queen control…calm, polite, distant.

“Jane, I’m carrying a heavy load right now and I know God’s taking care of us..the three of us, that is. Things happen each day…week…or month where I know He’s protecting us or blessing us. I can’t second guess God…maybe, if Harvey was a Christian, God’s turned His back on him & given him over to his own desires…none of us are puppets. I don’t know.

But, I didn’t come to you because you were staff members at church…but because you were my friend. A man I’ve never not known, to whom I’ve been married 28 years, has abandoned us & run away. That’s why I came to see you.”

Jane:  “I speak to so many people who sometimes just want me to listen for that moment. And I sensed that this was very private for you and you wanted me to pray for you and not call you.”

“Jane, I sat in your kitchen for nearly three hours and not a word from you since. I know I’m just an anonymous nobody at church. I don’t play basketball. I’m not a wheeler-dealer in this town, not a politician…but my marriage–my husband are in serious trouble. I spoke to Lars (her husband) because Harvey had liked him & I knew he needed help. I can lay all of that at Harvey’s feet–I’m sure he put on a pleasant, distant facade & never let Lars in. I’ve seen it for a long time with others and myself.

We have found a good counselor who’s been a tremendous help to me and the kids. Harvey’s shut him out completely. He has withdrawn from anyone who’s a Christian. His job is precarious, he’s left his family and living with one female flight attendant while carrying on with another. He places blame for everything in his life he doesn’t like on me. His only fault appears to be that he allowed me to continue in a behaviour he now disapproves.”

Jane: “I’m glad God’s taking care of you and  you are relyng on Him through this. I’m glad He’s placed someone in your life to help you. May I pray for you?”

Sure, why not? Actually, I thought, Why the hell not…but since we’re praying that really felt bad.

I have no idea what she prayed. “Well, I hope things do work out for you.”

“Yes, me, too. Thank you for your call.”

I wasn’t really angry with her. Profound disappointment, maybe. She, in effect, said I had misunderstood our relationship–I was not a friend but an acquaintance–one ‘of so many people’ she speaks to. Puts me in my place rather nicely.

I made 5 separate attempts at church to get help. 5 calls to their various offices…pastor, staff, counseling offices. The last took the cake.

That staff pastor told me my marriage was not over. No-o-o! But going through ‘the worse’ in the for better or for worse part. And that I needed discipling: Call this woman–at this number–Grace Care or something–and for $65 an hour she would disciple me.

Thank you, God, for friends like Michelle and Carla.

Not until an incident the following year did they even bring it up.

Four years after the divorce…2007…I had an attorney comment that possession was 9/10 the law. A month from now, in September 2002, if I’d known that then, I stumbled across substantial funds Harvey was stockpiling. But no one told me. And I was too afraid of doing the wrong thing to do anything about it.

He walks outside without a word to us and disappears on his bike.  His large Honda Shadow 750 motorcycle. So afraid of it when he first bought it he just eased slowly around the drive for several days. He didn’t leave the drive to actually ride it out on the road for four days.

The three of us finish dinner and go get ice cream. It’s easy to stay away for 2 hours; none of us seem anxious to return home. He’s called my cell & leaves a message. But I don’t answer…I’m tired…just tired of his voice that has no love for me…not even courtesy…just a dead, flat voice…tired of his face. If he wanted to leave, I wish he’d just have disappeared…vanished from our lives. He looks so bad. Thin, hard, knotty…and mean looking.

When we return he’s still at the house.

“Where’ve you been? Do you not answer your cell now?” He spits the words. What? Did the bike ride give him renewed venom for me?

“To get ice cream.  We don’t know your schedule. We no longer need to keep you informed of ours. You tell us nothing you’re doing now. We aren’t just going to sit around here waiting for  you.”

“You knew the first of the week I was coming & I have a check ride tomorrow.” Now he pouts.

“We don’t know your life now but you have time for any others you wish to include.” I am learning to be the ice queen: totally in control of my voice, thinking through each statement to him before its made.

“What do you mean…others?” Always the dummy.

“Do you want to talk about it now? Here?”

“Yes, what do you mean? We can go outside…” and he opens the door.

Out in the front yard near the apple and plum trees, I continue. “I’m talking about others you now have in your life.”

“Who? Who do you mean?”

“Carrie Mack! You keep up with her schedules, constant phone calls to her, vacation bids, flight data…there are records of you two everywhere!”

Petulantly, “I have lots of schedules.”

“Other pilots don’t have flight attendant’s schedules like you. And the Viagra…give me a break.” I’m so disgusted with him,  “Are you actually trying to convince me that your body is so entirely different from the rest of mankind that you can take Viagra to calm you down and give you energy?”

He went on and on trying to convince me with his charade. But the thing is…he became less angry. His method shifted. He actually sat down, while I remained standing, talking to me. I should have seen the ploy of a sociopath: addressing the situation with the emotional response to achieve their goal.

“Why are you so mean to me? You know I loved you. Are you trying to kill my love so your leaving is easier. See? She didn’t love me so I had to leave? Does it make you feel better?”

Harvey said, “I know you did. I didn’t plan to be mean.”

“Sure…that makes sense…why else would you say, ‘I could just strangle you! I could just beat you to a bloody pulp!’ And then all of the things you’re doing now…leaving on multiple trips–for what? To think! Sure. Cell calls skyrocket! The watch…that thing cost $400 and was purchased at South Place Mall. You know all about her…and her husband. You’ve never been interested in the politics of the company and now you’re suddenly a dedicated union man. Give me a break!”

“You’ve snooped in my things.” He’s actually pouting again as though this exonerated him.

“I’ve trusted you implicitly. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have had such an easy go of it. “

“Well, yeah, but… ok, you’re right. But I just don’t love you anymore.”

“What did I do that was so wrong? What did I withhold from you? All I have is yours. What did you tell me yourself when you first said you were leaving…I know you’re always in my corner fighting for me. The only reason you’re even able to fly an airplane is because of my help. Certainly you studied hard and did well…but I worked and Mother & Daddy gave us a place to live for cheap and paid for your damn lessons. Not a cheap endeavor…some $25,000 they made sure you had! And what did yours do? Let me think…”Are you stupid? You think you want to fly planes?” You’ve had the unending support of me and my family. You were a like a son to them. Daddy was so proud of you!”

“I know. I remember. It’s just I don’t have any desire now. I don’t know why. I tried so hard for years…I really did. I just don’t love you.”

“But how am I to know if you don’t tell me? I’m smart but I don’t read minds. You never gave us a chance…just withdrew and then left.”

“You say I’m mean but I’m just trying to tell you the truth.”

“Your meanness is how you’re handling this. Your malice makes mean seem nice. You’re abandoning us, embarrassing us, consorting with other women…Lying to the kids about me to try to ‘win’ your case with them. You’re even lying to your mother about me kicking you out. Falling out of love is one thing…how you handle your departure is entirely another. You not only hurt me…which obviously is of no consequence…but you hurt the children. I taught them to love you! Who do you think taught them to play chase when you came home from a trip? To see who could get the first kiss from Daddy?”

“I’d never hurt them.”

“Too late. Your actions…your words…your threats to all of us!”

“I’d never hit you. I’d never hurt them.”

“Too late again. We’re all afraid of you. If you’d do this thing that shocked us…why not that as well. Physical pain is nothing compared to how hurt our hearts feel.”

“I’ve got to go. I need to put away the bike and get in bed…I have a check ride in the morning.”

“I just wish I’d been a fuse or turn signal on your bike…those things get taken care of immediately.” I leave him sitting on the wooden bench under the apple tree.

Ashley started high school this year and church had a long weekend fall retreat, Cove Camp,  for the new ninth graders. I needed $50 for the registration deposit and of course didn’t have it

“Give them the form and I’ll bring the money tomorrow.” I said trying to figure out where to get it…there was still $134 in the old credit union account. I could drive to the airport and get that…45 minute each way and my morning was gone.

“I’ve got $50 I can use, Mom.” Ashley said.

“Ok, then  I’ll pay you back when we get home.”

Katie and Dee were filling out the form for Katie and overheard us. “I’m going to pay Ashley’s deposit.”

“No, Dee, thank you, but I can do this.”

“No, this is my gift to Ashley. Katie went on a scholarship last year because we couldn’t affort it at all and this year we can. I want to. See? It’s all done.” and she slid her check for $100 across the table and smiled.

I really didn’t know what to say. Of course, “Thank you, that’s so sweet, I don’t know what to say.” and then I started crying. Not huge tears but too many and she hugged me.

I still have John’s youth retreat, Windy Gap, and soccer at SOAR for both of them to pay for and the rest of Cove Camp.

Harvey makes $180,000 this year.

Once after the Pam Affair, Harvey made two statements I had no answer for…not without sounding like he was a total moron.

He had a stroke 2 years after that affair ended. He’d had a  headache for nearly 2 weeks; taken Advil or Tylenol, but nothing helped; finally went to our chiropractor. He sent him to the hospital immediately; they diagnosed an infarct that afternoon. It was tiny but for him as a pilot in a bad location. It affected his balance–you can’t have a dizzy pilot. Grounded for 15 months.

He had smoked when we married, quitting that first year, but started back when he was involved with Pam, although he’d kept it secret from the kids.  He had this stroke at 42 years of age. The doctor said there was no physical reason for it to happen; just a fluke. He should quit smoking but he didn’t smoke enough or had for long enough time for that to be a cause.

He was depressed over his dizziness and rehab from the effects of the stroke. After following his  hour long, the third of four daily rehab exercises he devised, he sat drenched in sweat at the kitchen table looking out the window of our ‘house trailer’ house,  “I guess this is punishment from God.”

Looking at him sweaty, tired, trying so hard to regain lost equilibrium & control of his body, “I don’t think so. I don’t think God works like that. Certainly there are consequences to our actions and when we do something against His will we’ll miss blessings He’s planned…or possibly even have a penalty to pay. Kind of like not spending wisely…you can go broke. But I don’t think He just sends down lightening bolts in the form of strokes or disease or calamity just to get us.”

But the thought came into my mind…Who am I to say what God does or does not do? I can remember having these tiny little thoughts when I knew I’d done something displeasing to God…and knowing He knew of it, of course…and hearing Him in my mind…not audibly…but knowing that thought I just had was His not mine. So who am I to say what God may be saying to Harvey? But I think we know it only inside ourselves…can see God’s hand in events in our life or hear Him speak without words in our mind…things that may feel good or not so good at that moment. Who am I to say?

Several weeks later Harvey said God should have warned him about Pam. Now that one I really had to just walk away. The total asinine fool.

Did you not get the same Book the rest of us did? Maybe you should read it. If a warning in plain English doesn’t do it for you…nothing will.

Or let’s just leave God out of this equation all together…wonder what Hugh Grant or John Edwards would say…was it worth it?

But then again, in the mind of a sociopath, it’s not his fault…going so far to even blame God. And he doesn’t see how afraid he should be of that arrogance.

(2 years after this I learned that Harvey had been involved with another flight attendant at the time of his stroke. So who am I to say what God might say to him? That may well have been the last time he ever heard from God. Who am I to say?)

Ashley signed a certified letter from the mail man while I was gone from Harvey’s attorney demanding joint custody, to sell our home, for me to get a job and pay bills. In a panic I called Bill. Ashley reads the date. I’ve filed a day earlier than Harvey so my county filing will count–not Harvey’s. This is important to me because an earlier attorney I interviewed said my more rural county judges may be more sympathetic to my plight than a larger ‘city’ judge. Also, in Harvey’s county the judges are assigned and we can choose in mine. In the end I don’t know if it made any difference at all, really. But today, I panic.

Bill talks to Pete, Harvey’s attorney. Evidently, Harvey is consumed with fear over the salary reduction he’s facing at work & paying the mortgage. He should be! But he won’t talk to me about anything…and that’s what I tell Bill.

We don’t know who he’s actually sleeping around with. He, of course, says there’s no one else…but I wonder if his kisses…if he attempts to, which he hasn’t…for the kids is a danger to them? I realize at 47 years of age after nearly 30 years of marriage…I’ve never given STDs much thought. What dangers are there in a casual kiss?Stupid me! I don’t even think that I might be infected by him!

I’ve also talked to Robby, our realtor. He’s the kind of realtor you want…honest & knows his market. We first met him when the kids were 5 or 6. He has three children whose ages overlap Ashley & John’s so we’ve gotten to be casual friends through their sports events. We’ve played soccer, baseball, softball, and basketball together for nearly ten years now. He coaches every season one or the other of his kids. Something Harvey has never done. His schedule was too irregular he said. I see now it was more of his withdrawal from our family.

But…in today’s market, it is an extreme buyer’s market especially in our price range. We bought this house because Harvey wanted to live in the country. It was all so delayed & convoluted. We moved here when I was pregnant with John to a beautiful home in a nice, new neighborhood. On three separate occasions I actually had strangers stop at my door to inquire about our home it had such curb appeal. It was also a very livable house plan.

But Harvey wanted space and acreage. So we began looking when John was three. That’s when we met Pam, a new member at church, and began the process to buy 20 acres her father-in-law was selling. They had an affair, we were stuck with the land purchase but obviously couldn’t build there as we were patching our marriage back together, so we left that church and abandoned dreams of building. Eventually sold it four years later at a loss. Great job! Harvey!

But our beautiful home had sold, we were forced to rent a dump until I knew if we were even going to survive as a family and ultimately bought a little house in town. It was a nice neighborhood of long-term, stable families in a very good area, but the house looked like a double-wide. A rectangular ranch, dated 70′s, no one ever stopped to inquire about this house.

Two years ago, Harvey had the itch again to move to the country. I actually found the house and it had everything we had wanted. 10 acres. 5000 square feet of hard woods & rock. Massive double decks across the length of the rear. Sitting on the side of a small hill that sloped to a creek with tall trees and a view of the woods, wildlife,  a pasture and a small pond where neighbors kept horses…it was beautiful. You had the feeling you were in the Blue Ridge Mountains not just minutes from town.

So we bought it. But in the year we’d been here, Harvey bought a motorcycle, our boat, an SUV, began building a barn in our own pasture for horses and I’d bought some furniture. Specifically…he’d spent a total of $35,000 & I’d spent $3500 on furniture. And this had been done with each others knowledge…I just didn’t have the knowledge he was still unfaithful.  He’d taken out a second mortgage at the credit union and although we’d not spent it all…the first mortgage combined with the second mortgage in less than two years, gave us no equity after realtor fees were paid in today’s buyer’s market. It was just too soon to sell for any kind of profit.

It’s like the last 30 years of my life…all the work, planning, preparation for our future…have been erased. Who I thought we were…who I was…was only a facade.

I will die protecting my children from this pain he inflicts. But I don’t know how.

Cleanser

Betadine (r) skin cleanser

Wash face with gentle cleanser or soap. We use Dove bar soap. Follow with Betadine skin cleaner on a facial puff. Pour a little on puff and gently wash face, avoiding eye areas. It’s reddish-yellow and messy. We do this in the shower. I recently found generic products called Povidone that are much cheaper than Betadine. My husband, Rod, likes it just as well. Rinse well. Pat dry.

Mask

1 whole egg whisked in a sealable container

Take a cotton ball and smear egg on freshly washed face, avoiding eyes.
Let dry (15-20 minutes).
Rinse with tepid water. Pat dry.
Repeat several times weekly. Store leftover in refrigerator for up to 2 days.

*Accutane (or Amnesteem, Claravis, Sotret) worked well for Ashley & John but there are health risks. It is a form of Vitamin A; reduces the amount of oil your body produces, helps skin heal & renew more quickly, and is used only after other treatments have failed for nodular acne. When Ashley was on the program, which lasts about six months, it was required she be on birth control due the significant birth defect risks to children conceived during the treatment. I understand now 2 methods of birth control are required. I don’t like medications as a rule and avoid prescriptions as much as possible. It was a last resort. Be sure to know all you can, do research, and proceed knowing the risks & facts.

“Here, this is your problem, not mine.” and Harvey tosses the Visa bill on the counter.

“You said to charge what we needed…there are only school supplies, medical expenses, gas & other necessities on there. It’s not like any of us are spending frivolously. Don’t you realize this was the most expensive way for you to do this?”

“You’re making it be. It’s not my fault.”

“No. This is as it is only because of your choices. This is no my desire but entirely yours.”

“Well, what will have to be will be.”

“Only because you won’t talk…you hide and run away so, of course, everything is bad and gets worse. The future of the children will be decided by total strangers because of your choice.” I’ve said this before…why am I wasting my breath?

“Well, I can’t talk to you, Samantha. This isn’t my doing…this is your fault.”

“Of course, you can…you just refuse to.” And it goes on and on…eventually he leaves.

Ashley left us as soon as she responded to him with a stomach ache. John is downstairs in the playroom. Both are tense and irritable.

Later, I said good night to Ashley & John. We read a while & John commented the time with Harvey was boring.

“But, you got the PlayStation II you wanted…and you were bored?” I’m surprised. I expect the Santa Claus Dad Syndrome to begin and Harvey to go all out to get back at me.

“He just sat there, saying nothing, not smiling. It’s embarrassing…with him…in front of my friends.”

“We may be facing some big changes soon…moving & all, but God will guide us…He’ll help us get through this. He knew this was going to happen before I ever even married Harvey. He knew before y’all were born this would happen. He wanted you two to be here. That was all in His plan for us.  If I knew at 19 that I would get to have y’all and that he’d do these things…knowing I’d get to have you two in my life?…I’d still marry him…I loved him then…and I’ve very, very glad I get to love you and have you in my life.” Thinking I should offer some sort of explanation to them about Harvey, I continue…

“When men hit their 40′s…sometimes, not most of them…but some…a few of them…especially those who don’t want to rely on God or have a deep commitment to Him…decide life has not treated them fairly so they leave their families. They evidently think the reason for their unhappiness is with their wife…so many of them leave their families. It’s not that they don’t love their children…they just get tired of the everyday responsibilities of a family. They seem to want life to be more of a vacation somehow. I don’t have all the answers by any means…this is just what I’ve read and what David & I’ve discussed at his office.”

“Yeah, Dad said he hasn’t loved you since I was born.” John said quietly.

Harvey!! You total idiot!! So now you tell your son you haven’t loved his mother since his birth…do you not think he can make 2 and 2 add up to his birth caused you to no longer love me?!?!? Why be such a short-sighted jerk to your own children?

“That’s absolutely not true. Your father was a very loving man when you were born…when both of you were born. Sometimes they rewrite their memories…sort of a re-do in their mind to make what’s happening today sound more ok. You know, David told Ashley something awhile back & we were talking about it this week. We can draw boundaries around our lives and hearts to keep people from hurting us so much. You don’t have to go out with him every time he calls if you don’t want to. You don’t have to call him back on the phone, if you don’t want to. You ought not be rude or lie or be angry for no reason…but neither do you have to jump every time he says hop. He said when Harvey gets these separation papers, he’ll be really angry with me and may call up ranting and raving at me…that I’ve tried to meet him & work out the details. So do not respond, just say when you calm down, we’ll talk…and then hang up the phone.

I think we can do that in our hearts as well. Just hang up. There will be other people who can hurt us or demand too much from us…it’s called boundaries. Draw a circle around your heart…love Harvey as much as you want…but remember when you said you knew he loved you but you were going to love your kids with a different kind of love because his kind hurt too much?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Just try to not let him hurt your heart. Keep it open for all God has planned for you, all the good & loving people, all the good things He wants you to do & see…your friends, Ashley & me…or for you, Ashley–John….but also, your grandparents & Aunt Sara & Uncle Paul, your cousins, Clay & Em…and then one day, girl or boy friends–people you date, and later on your wife or husband… and your own kids. God has great plans for all of us…especially you two. But Harvey’s really different from the man he used to be so we’ve got to love him but be wise and cautious.”

I pray for my children now. I no longer pray for Harvey.

I found Viagra prescriptions from the drug store. It’s amazing the information freely offered by the clerk when I explained I was double checking on my husband’s drugs for a physical coming up. He’s had Viagra filled for a year. We’ve not had sex in a year…so I guess he needs it for his own solitary use…since there’s no one else, of course.

When I asked Harvey about the prescriptions, “I have to take that. They calm my stomach. They help me relax, give me energy…that’s all.”

My attorney, Bill, said, “That’s ludicrous…like finding a condom and saying it’s a cover for an antenna.”

My sister, said, “Harvey’ll shit bricks when you have him served.”

We visited my folks at their beach house. Harvey called &  spoke to the Ashley & John. I’ve told them privately how the kids feel, how he’s been to them…but until they actually heard their conversations, I don’t think they quite believed me.

Harvey wanted to take John and his best friend, Todd,  to dinner and a movie. After talking to Todd’s mom and the boys thinking it over, they decided to accept. John said, “Tell him we want to go to an early movie. I want to have time afterward to get him to buy me that Play Station II.”

“Do you think that’s the right thing to do, honey?”

“Well, I don’t think it’s a right or wrong thing…I just want one.”

“Ok…well…good luck!” and we both kind of giggled.

They got home, both boys & the PS II. Harvey didn’t speak coming in, nothing to anyone. John & Todd went downstairs to the game room to set up the game.

Harvey turned to walk out the door, I followed.

“If you come to this house…or anytime you are in my presence…you will treat me with respect and courtesy. You will do this in my presence and always in the presence of the children.”

“You’ve got to earn respect.” He growled under his breath.

“I have earned it…in spades…with you. I’m not the in bed with another man’s wife…I’m not the one abandoning my family…oh, wait a minute…been down that road before…that’s you, isn’t it?”

“I’ve told you there’s no one else…this is all you’re fault, not mine.” Harvey’s eyes are black, his jaw clinched. His right hand unconsciously rubbing his stomach across & under his diaphragm.

This is a tell-tale sign of his old colitis. I’ve now thought back and realized although I no longer know his bowel habits, he’s lost weight–at least 15-20 pounds in the past year, he’s actually come to the house to ride his bike and sat in the bathroom 20-30 minutes, he’s continually rubbing his stomach. The colon is long. The last portions are called the transverse and descending colon. Manual massaging of the transverse portion across the upper stomach under the diaphragm eases the achiness somewhat. Harvey had unconsciously been rubbing his stomach for months.

“When you are here you will treat me and everyone here with respect. If you are intent on leaving this family there are decisions to be made. Decisions concerning the division of our stuff and what is best for the children.”

“I’ll talk to you in the courts.”

“Do you want complete strangers deciding our children’s future?”

“It’s better than talking to you. I don’t ever want to talk to you or see you again.”

“You’re children have no respect for you. You move into one woman’s bed while philandering with another man’s wife. You’ve shot yourself in the foot with the kids. They don’t trust you. Ashley offered John a $100 to go with her last night just so she wouldn’t have to go along…and he refused! You should be feeling so much energy taking all that Viagara.”

“I do, I feel better than I ever did with you!”

“Do you think I’m a doormat…taking whatever you say?”

“No! You argue anything to death, you accuse me of an affair…do drugs…being homosexual…just to not face the blame you have!”

“I’ve defended you to the kids…you’re living with a woman…why wouldn’t anyone–adult or child–think you’re having an affair. You’ve pierced your ears, the new jewelry…who the hell knows what you’re doing. Just remember this…there is a lot at stake here for our kids…how you handle this will affect them. So just think about. Just think about what you’re doing to them.” And I walked back inside.

Ass.

We are living a soap opera. It’s as though I watch other people who are strangers only to see myself in the mirror. The events taking place…the blatant hostility and malice are foreign to us yet it originates within what was once our family. It comes from someone we thought to be our protector…someone we ourselves would have died protecting. Someone from our imagination. Someone today…I wish dead.divorcewisdom.wordpress.com, DivorceWisdom’s Blog, Jul 2009

You should read the whole article.

Harvey has had some of our utilities disconnected.  Our cable has been disconnected. I received a phone bill with $400 in long distance call charges. They explained he had the long distance service disconnected in June. Evidently while we were on the cruise. All of the calls to our family has been charged at the highest rate with no plan discount packages.

The water and gas still work only because I have a well and propane tank. The electricity seems fine but I’ve now called each company and put an additional PIN on before any changes could be made. A simple explanation of identity theft was all they needed with few questions.

I saw an attorney last week. His comment was prophetic. “I hate clients like your husband who sticks his head in the sand and will do nothing, agree to nothing, just disappears and thinks it will all just go away. They also don’t pay alimony as ordered and the divorces cost so much more.”

I also have a choice of counties to file in since I live in one and Harvey’s moved into town in another. This fellow also thinks I’d would fare better in our more rural county as the ‘city’ judges tend to think regardless of age or education, women don’t need alimony anymore with so many working..pull yourself up by your bootstraps. So I’ve now seen his referral.

He’s our age, partner, his name’s second on the door. It’s a shot in the dark with any of them, I’m learning.

The kids refused to get Harvey Father’s Day cards this year or see him that weekend.

John, “I don’t feel like getting him one. I think I still love him, but I don’t trust him…and love is trust so it’s not the same kind of love anymore.”

Ashley, “I’m not doing it. I’ve had a dad for 14 years, now I don’t, so I’m done with that…and I will tell him just that.”

Later she called him & did. He didn’t ask any questions, she said, made no comment or response to what she said…just talked about his parents being sick.

I saw David this week. He said, “There seems to be a direct correlation between the actual guilt of a party and their level of anger… hatred… venom… malice… whatever you want to call it… toward the ‘innocent’ spouse. Not that anyone is without any fault…we all have human frailties…but the ‘innocent’ spouse has been committed to the marriage and done their best…in that they are the innocent spouse. While the ‘guilty’ spouse may have been guilty of infidelity, abuse or any other issues that destroy a relationship. Yet that spouse is the hostile aggressor. The guiltier that spouse…the angrier they are.”

We are living proof.